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Beware the monster lurking in Japanese bathrooms

Looks innocent, doesn't it. But it's the white electric cable and arm-rest control panel which give it away ...

The Japanese must have the most pampered bottoms in the world. This is due to their obsession with hi-tech toilets. These multi-function marvels of waste-disposal wizardry are found everywhere. However, for unsuspecting newcomers, one’s first encounter with them can be somewhat unnerving. On entering the bathroom, the toilet seat, hitherto closed, opens automatically, like the jaws of Jonah’s whale. You gingerly sit down on its spring-loaded heated seat and the thing flushes before you’ve had a chance to do anything - a sort of “pre-wash.” On high-end models, there’s a button which, when pressed, emits the sound of further flushing but without any more water being imparted. This can be used as a smoke-screen for embarrassing noises but also to help male users of a certain age from occupying the seat for any longer than necessary, so risking the acquisition of third-degree burns. Such branding leads to several thousand A&E admissions every year, almost all foreign males. There is an electronic arm rest to the side with a control panel. This contains buttons for activating the bidet and blow-dry facilities. The symbol for the former looks disconcertingly like a person being levitated by water - similar to a ping-pong ball in a shooting gallery.
Once one has completed one’s performance, standing up releases the pressure on the spring-loading and the thing unexpectedly flushes again. Make sure you fully clear the seat within 3.25 seconds as the lid will close shut again. Foreigners, slow off the mark, have also been caught out by this, resulting in serious collateral damage. In A&E departments this is known in the trade as “being caught at third leg“. Don’t say you haven’t been warned ...
In the event of things going pear-shaped, make sure you know where the orange button on the left is

Posted by dikansu 23:57

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by iwlloyd

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